Friday, June 30, 2017

Saturday, June 24, 2017

words and turbulence

I find it hard to say what i mean to people.
My words may
Come in read-between-the-lines bullshit,
And then i sprinkle it with sarcasm.

I have to vomit all my words
Before saying what i have to,
And i dont even think i mean that metaphorically.

I literally feel like im about to vomit,
About to choke out-
I cry
When i have to speak my thoughts
Like some sort of conditioned reflex.

I am
The opposite of the calm sea
That i admire so much;
My mind is in a constant stormy weather,
And my turbulence never got me any nearer to the shore.

I am a sub type of mess
With a bad habit of overthinking,
And i try to clean up after myself.
But as much as i like running away,
I try, i try...

Saturday, May 20, 2017

things i wonder about you

Sometimes i wonder
If i hurt you more than i thought
    Or if you hurt more than i think
If there are things youve never told me
    Or things that you said
But the words never really came out the way you wanted to

Your feelings have always been
     A mystery
     A story
In a book
Where i had to read between the lines
I always had to ask
Always had to reassure

i still wonder
If there are things youve kept bottled up
     And if we will ever get to sit in that couch of yours
     Or our favourite bench in the park
So we can drink up those feelings
We have kept for too long

Sunday, April 23, 2017

product life span

in marketing, we come across this concept called, "the product life span", in which a certain product is explained through a bell-shaped curve. the curve has five stages which represent: development, introduction, growth, maturity, and decline.

i found this concept very interesting, because it shows that nothing lasts forever. everything or anything that we have today, right now- at this moment- is not permanent. we may think it is the most amazing thing going on right now. but eventually, we will get tired of it, and move on to the next thing.

in my perspective, this applies to real life too. right now, at this moment, i am happy. i am grateful of the things and moments that i have now. part of me wishes that it could go on like this forever; a life in which i have the endless support of my family, peers, and loved ones... a life of a university student who is only experiencing what it is like to have everything ready on her plate.

but this is real life, everything has its life span, and these things will not last forever. i am still scared of where life will take me. oddly enough, i am scared yet excited at the same time. greater things are out there waiting for me. despite my idealism, i am ironically cynical. i wait for the moment where life will hit me like a truck, and tell me to wake up, face the risks and all. i am also terrified about how i will deal with such situations later on.

everyday, i am growing to be a better person- someone who is less bitter, less anxious, much stronger, more adventurous. my counselor told me that i am much more emotionally mature as a person now than i was before because of what i have experienced. this, to me, is extremely comforting to hear. part of me actually feared that my experiences have made me colder, more unshaken.

what made me realize that this is not the case are the little moments that are full of love and positivity that i radiate towards the people around me, and how much this energy is given back to me. ALSO, the amount of times i cried over a piece of art or the animal videos that i have been watching or the humanitarian videos...

i am relieved to know that the sympathetic, sensitive soul inside me has not died yet.

Friday, January 20, 2017

some day soon,

some day soon, i will live the way i want to live. i will get a tiny apartment in a city full of life- of my own with enough space for myself and a pet or two. i will wake up before the sun rises, and greet myself with a morning tea or coffee.  i will spend many mornings silently watching the light go through my window as it hits different corners of the room.

some day soon, i will spend many of my days creating something. whether that is in a form of a painting, a song or a poem... i will make something to fill my hours when i am not working or worrying despite the fact that my job is something that i love to do. and if i am in need of a dire break from overthinking, i can always bike my way to the nearest coffee shop to get myself a piece of cake and a soy latte to enjoy while reading a book. and on the way home, i will buy myself fresh flowers from the local florist to remind myself of the love that i deserve from myself.

some day soon, i will place those flowers in a lovely vase next to the painting that i will hang on the wall, because i find it very moving no matter how badly it doesn't match with the flowers. the best thing about living on my own is that i can blast the music as loud as i want, and dance and sing at the top of my lungs without worrying that somebody might come inside the room anytime soon and find me unexpectedly naked.

some day soon, i can truly enjoy the warmth of the summer dusk as i sit by the window on a weekend to peoplewatch, wondering what stories they have to tell. i will travel and go to many places and i will meet people, many people; but i will only keep the ones i find interesting or the ones i have a real connection with, people who i can have deep talks with. and this tiny place, this tiny place is my refuge; my sanctuary that i can always come back to.

i keep fantasizing about this life that feels so far away. i am so scared of living an ordinary life, the kind that is dull and lived for the sake of living. but as i grow and find myself better, i am learning not to let the spaces between the is and will be or could be, keep me from taking chances. anyways, the important thing is that i find myself and whoever it is that i find, is someone true.

some day... soon...

Thursday, January 19, 2017

i have always been in love with the idea of the late 70s - 80s; be it their music, fashion, technology... i especially love the neon lights ambience of it all. looking back at my family's photos from the 80s, i have developed a great admiration for their time, especially of my mother's.

so here, i curated a playlist of songs in appreciation for that era. my favourite is electric indigo by the paper kites, because the feel of the song is just very quiet, and chill... almost like you are awake late at night in your room or out downtown under the neon signs of a diner.

also, the concept of the album is incredibly cute. the album title, "twelvefour", actually comes from the fact that all of the songs in the album were written between the times 12 midnight and 4 am.

anyways, this is the playlist, and i hope it gives you all the feels as much as it did to me.

Saturday, January 7, 2017

there is a certain type of feeling-
a certain type of almost not a feeling,
but a type of state.
the one that is uncontrollable
the one that is known for selfish,
and self worth.

if they say there are ups and downs in life, then this is the down.

so down
that i thought cigarettes could pass off as pain relief until numbness takes over, and i overdose on thoughts that i should not even be thinking.

once upon a time,
i wore the smell of smoke like perfume; i felt like i stenched of numbness.

nothing beats a good old gum
to force my mouth not to reveal this ugly deed i have done.

and i remember that feeling so vaguely like memories tucked away at the darkest corners in my mind, which i do not wish to open ever again.

and i am scared.
i am scared that maybe one day that locked up chest would open up the chest in my heart, and i will be pouring everything that i have worked so hard to ever kept locked in.